Move. Move. Move.

This week’s theme for Jane Ann McLachlan’s October Challenge is relationships. So many of our relationships are the result of proximity. We meet someone because they live, work, or play near us. I began thinking about how my many moves have affected my ability to establish, maintain, and release relationships.

From birth to high school graduation, I moved at least fifteen times, but probably closer to twenty. Most of those moves meant a new school, new teachers, new friends. When you have so many people and places changing in your world, it’s hard to have a clear narrative of your own life, let alone of the people who are constantly passing by.

Deb-2527s-childhood-homes

When I began writing my memoir about two years ago, my memories were a jumbled mess. I could hardly remember what had happened when. I had a slightly better recollection of where certain things happened. I began visiting the exteriors of places I had lived, so that I could figure out the order of my memories. I still have gaps, but each time I revisit a place I have lived, I build a little more structure on which to hang my past.

Between the ages of 18 and 20, I lived in eight more residences before landing in Vancouver, Washington where I started attending Clark College. Within a couple years, I got pregnant.

My twin sons and I moved eight more times before we settled in Oregon when they were six. During those years, I had a number of beater cars: Ford Mustang II, Chevy Capris, a green Ford Pinto, a yellow Ford Pinto, Buick Skylark, and a Mercury Zephyr. I had a bunch of jobs, too, working my way up from Dairy Queen to Bonneville Power to the Social Security Administration to becoming an electrician’s apprentice in Local 48.  

When my sons and I moved to share the home of my husband-to-be on the 13 acres he owned, we found the consistency I’d always sought.For the first couple of years, all was quiet. Or as quiet as any home with two working parents and twin boys can be. And then, the other children began to come. Some left. More came. It went on like this for a decade, by which time, our family looked like this: 

foster family home - Names removed

In thinking about how proximity begets relationship, I can’t help but believe that my early childhood changes: learning to adapt, make anew, create a family out of whoever was close, promoted my later life choices. I was adamant that my sons would have stability and would finish school in the place they started. They would know the constancy of both their parents actively participating in their lives. And they did.

I didn’t see it at the time but it’s ironic and a little sad for me to recognize that the stability I strove for on their behalf was compromised when we became a revolving family system comprised of additional children who started their lives in families other than our own.

 

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7 Comments

  1. It sounds to me like you taught your sons the importance of being a stable element in other people’s lives — a trait which will undoubtedly serve them well in the future in terms of good jobs and being surrounded by people who are mutually interdependent.

  2. There is so much to which I could respond in this one post. When I was in college, one of the courses I took discussed how memory and writing coincide and that, when you begin to make a conscious effort to remember things in writing, more memories fall into place.

    Like you were when you started writing, I find my memories are a bit confusing. I’m not sure about the timeline of my life and I’m not even sure I know what memories are real. If I decide to continue exploring this after October, perhaps I’ll find things piecing together in ways that make sense.

    In the meantime, I’m glad I came here to read your post because it definitely makes me want to continue with my own writing.

  3. And I thought my one move from Ohio was traumatic! 🙂 But moving does make for interesting experiences and lots of stories. Loved the post.

  4. Wow! All those moves. I’ve lived 7 places since I was 2; 8 if you count university residence. My sister, however, is like you – a wandering gypsy! Your conclusions as to how it’s affected you are interesting.

  5. What an interesting insight to have re-created your childhood with revolving people instead of revolving places. I’m not sure I would have seen that.

  6. I always knew that geography defined/limited my experiences. In Canada where I am, we all know that you “go to the States to make it big”. It’s always been so–some places just attract certain groups of people and traveling to these centers ups your chances of finding success in specific circles-sometimes. And then there are anomalies. I have always believed that there are several “loves of my life” out there in the world. The one I have is fabulous, but I believe he has, and I have others had we been in different locations. It’s a weird thought–probably escapism at it’s best for me I suppose. Because in the end this is where you are and this is your life.

  7. It’s hard to have relationships I think when you move so much. Consistent ones anyway. Because of divorce, I moved around a lot as a child as well. It sure affected my self esteem, and my relationships.

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